Wednesday, January 11, 2006

On a blog. In Canada. We're not making this up.

Babble on.

I've been wandering around the Canadian blogosphere reading Liberal ad spoofs and have come to the conclusion that this much mockery requires a permanent index. I'm hoping to eventually make a coffee-table book and get fabulously rich on it and retire with my family to a private island in the South Pacific. We'll have beer and popcorn on the beach every night...

But back to the merciless flaying of the Liberal limp-noodle attacks.

Paul Wells:

Just now at the Subway on Bank St. I was buying my lunch and there... in line... standing in front of me... was a soldier.

In our cities.

In Canada.

A soldier.

He seemed to be ordering the six-inch ham and turkey.

With chipotle sauce.

In Canada.

We're not making this stuff up.


Brian Mertens:

Stephen Harper spoke to a secret, ultra right-wing American think tank.

The first rule of secret, ultra right-wing American think tanks is - you do not talk about secret, ultra right-wing American think tanks.

In a Montreal hotel, off-limits to press and public, he said:

Montreal? Hotel? Off-limits? I see where this is going: debauchery. Exotic dancers, poutine, Labatt 50…

"Your conservative movement is a light and an inspiration to people in this country and across the world."

Whaa!? That’s it? He gave a speech, and complimented his audience?

No, we did not make that up. We're not allowed to make stuff up.

Stephen Harper: Can you trust a man this boring to be Prime Minister?


Andrew Coyne:

My favourite line: "We're not allowed to make stuff up." Not only do the ads make stuff up quite freely...but the very claim that "we're not allowed to make stuff up" is itself made up.


David Janes (where you can make your own!):

Every time you vote Conservative, Stephen Harper kills a kitten. [ed: go see the graphic]


Plato's Stepchild at Andrew Coyne's place:

Stephen Harper drinks Merlot. With a lamb entree. In our cities. In Canada.


From the same comments thread:

STEPHEN HARPER WILL FORCE US TO GO TO TIM HORTONS.

AND ORDER A DOUBLE DOUBLE. WITH A CRULLER.

NOT FAIR TRADE.

NOT EVEN ORGANIC.

US. IN TORONTO. TIM HORTONS. A CRULLER..

LIKE. UGH. IN CANADA.

WE'RE NOT MAKING THIS UP.

CHOOSE YOUR COFFEE.


...and another:

Whooops, we accidentally:

developed a story board,
wrote the piece,
hired actors,
produced the piece,
filmed it,
reviewed it,
focused group it,
placed the Liberal brand on it,
put the piece on the web site,
delivered copies of it to news outlets for distribution,

and discovered the "accident" coincidentally after the public became outraged.

We're not making this up.


...and even a nice blogging inside-baseball slam:

Jason Cherniak is becoming disallusioned with the Liberals.

Jason Cherniak.

Disallusioned.

With the Liberals.

In Canada.

I'm not making this up.


Calgary Grit:

Courtesy of the Liberal mole, I've received a draft of the province-by-province slogans the Liberal party plans to unveil this weekend:


Newfoundland: "Just like Danny Williams, Paul isn't very big on flying the Canadian flag either."

Nova Scotia: (I could not obtain a copy of this slogan since the original one has been rejected and will not be used. However, it may still make an appearance on the Liberal website early next week.)

PEI: "We are firmly committed to delivering...what? There are only four seats? Screw this."

New Brunswick: "A Harper defeat is the only way for you to get rid of Bernard Lord as your Premier."

Quebec: "You wouldn't even have the Bloc if it wasn't for Jean Lapierre; show the man some respect."

Ontario: "Stephen Harper! BOGETY BOGETY BOO!"

Manitoba: "Remember Louis..."

Saskatchewan: "Ralph Goodale: The Finance Minister of choice for 7 out of 10 income trust traders."

Alberta: "Bite Me!"

British Columbia: "Dude, we've promised to decriminalize pot for three years. Yeah, we haven't got around to it, but you know how hard it is to remember to do stuff."

Territories: "Yeah, our Kyoto plan is a joke. But can you honestly say you're against global warming?"


Finally, the biggest and baddest of them all, Damian Penny:

Stephen Harper has a dog.

You know who else had a dog?

Hitler.

Adolf Hitler.

That's who.

Did Stephen Harper train his dog to attack racial minorities on command?

We don't know.

He's not saying.

Choose Your Canada.


If you find any more, let me know in comments or e-mail me at damian dot brooks at NO SPAM gmail dot com (you can't be too careful these days). I might even mention you in the book, in between sips of beer and handfuls of popcorn.

Eaten in the city.

A Canadian city.

In Canada.

I'm completely making this up.

Babble off.

Update: A contest! [ed: seems to be some confusion - it's not my contest, follow the link in "A contest!"]

Here’s the rules. You post your ad’s text in the comment area. It MUST be about Paul Martin, not Stephen Harper, and it must make me laugh. The two entries I judge the best (and you can attempt to sway the judge by giving your opinion in the comments) will be made into actual, funny as hell, why does my belly hurt so much from laughing videos that I will release on this site.

Contest ends Friday, so get the entries in now.


Uppitydate: Monte Solberg is too funny to have a numbers portfolio like Finance. Then again, is there a funny portfolio? And I'm not talking 'comedy of errors' stuff, like HRDC or Heritage. Anyone? Bueller? Finance it is, then. Stephen, have your people call my people and make it happen.

Where was I? Ah yes, the full Monte (heh, bet he hasn't heard that one before):

The Lib attack ads are so scary I'm going to have to sleep tonight with the light on. I mean what if Stephen Harper is hiding under my bed and then smothers me with a drycleaning bag and steals my remaining Burnt Almond to give to an ultra-conservative Bush Republican, who packs a pistol AND a Bible. No, even better, it's a Bible machine gun. Yep, fires two hundred rounds a minute, and plays Amazing Grace at the same time. Perfect for huntin' varmints, and personal protection.


Upyoursdate: Alan's is funny, but Anshu's comment is priceless.

Upwherewebelongdate: Welcome CBC online readers. My dream for nationwide dominance of the coffee-table-book publishing business continues. Bora Bora, here I come with a case of Keiths and a bucket of Orville Redenbacher.

Laurent (completement bilingue, asti):

The Liberals have released new ads. That Le Devoir called lying ads.
Everybody is making fun of them.

In our blogs.

In Canada.

We're not making this up.

Choose your Canada.

For great justice.


Classic Quarters:

Stephen Harper has a sweet tooth.
He likes donuts.
That's right.
Sometimes covered in sprinkles,
or plain.
Sometimes jelly-filled or glazed.
Does he also order coffee?
From donutshops?
In Canadian towns & cities?
From across your Canada?
We don't know.
On January 23rd, buy yourself a donut.
(they're fresher in the morning)
We don't know for sure.
Your Choice.


Don:

The Liberal party launched the most vicious, largest set of personal attack ads in Canadian history.

They end the ads with "We aren't making this up."

Where did the heck did they get that from?

Dave Barry's catchphrase?

George Bush last week?

I'm not making this up.


Well, Don, actually you are. We all are. In fact...

Let's all keep making these up.

Just like the Liberals.

In their ads.

On TV.

In Canada.

Choose to see through this crap.

26 Comments:

At 3:01 PM, Blogger Damian P. said...

Finally, the biggest and baddest of them all, Damian Penny

Is that a backhanded way of making fun of my weight? 'Cause I'm sticking to my diet, I swear.

(You gonna finish those M&Ms?)

 
At 3:16 PM, Blogger Babbling Brooks said...

You forget that the difference between us isn't the weight, it's the hair.

And don't forget that the word diet starts with die. Pass the M&M's. And the popcorn and beer while you're at it. I've got kids to neglect, after all.

 
At 3:40 PM, Blogger NewSisyphus said...

I know these ads plus the polls showing the Conservatives now ahead are making conservative Canadians smile, but...

..after viewing the ads I think they are quite likely to be effective. Never underestimate Canadian anti-Americanism. And, don't forget, there is a large number of undecideds out there.

 
At 3:41 PM, Blogger Alan said...

Paul Martin's ass.

Fidgeting and sweating.

On a bench.

An opposition bench.

In a few more days.

In this country.

You couldn't make this up.



So what the hell do I win?

 
At 3:45 PM, Blogger Ron said...

How's this?

Unemployed videographer will work for laughs.

Contact: Babbling Brook

 
At 3:46 PM, Blogger Alan said...

The "ass" one is mine, by the way.

http://thecarbuncle.blogspot.com/2006/01/canthold-outany-longer.html

I want my genius acknowledged pronto!

OC

 
At 3:47 PM, Blogger Paul MacPhail said...

So the Libs want to ban weapons in space. Talk about your potential long-gun registry boondoggle. And I mean long!
This from a government that can't even contain the flow of weapons in Canada. What do the e.t.'s think of this? It's not enough that the Martin government attacks our largest trading partner, now they want to police outer space!

What we need are more prisons.

In space.

So we can lock 'em all up.

Away from ordinary, hard-working, tax-paying, family-loving Canadians.

In space.

Where no one can hear you scream.

I'm not making this up.

 
At 4:25 PM, Blogger Johnny Pockets said...

Liberals leak secrets and documents.

In spades.

Documents.

And secrets.

In spades.

Who among them is leaking documents?

We don’t know.

They don’t either.

 
At 4:41 PM, Blogger Don said...

The Liberal party launched the most vicious, largest set of personal attack ads in Canadian history.

They end the ads with "We aren't making this up."

Where did the heck did they get that from?

Dave Barry's catchphrase?

George Bush last week?

I'm not making this up.

http://talkcanada.blogspot.com/2006_01_01_talkcanada_archive.html#113701550661878257

 
At 4:43 PM, Blogger TimR said...

Political attack ads on our televisions.

Canadian televisions.

American style attack ads.

In Canada.

On the CBC.

Brought to you by the Liberal Party of Canada.

We are not making this up.

 
At 7:33 PM, Blogger Brent Colbert said...

I have a flash entry into the ad spoof contest posted up at Colbert Report

http://brentcolbert.com/blog/2006/01/11/my-entry-in-the-liberal-ad-spoof-contest-2/

 
At 10:31 PM, Blogger Shane said...

In 1935, Paul Martin, Sr. was elected to the Canadian Parliament.

In 1937, Paul Martin, Sr. and his wife joined a British junket to Germany on a "fact finding tour".

Adolf Hitler was Chancellor of Germany in 1937.

In 1938, Paul Martin Jr. was born.

They didn't have paternity tests in 1938.

We're not kidding.

We're not allowed to make this stuff up.

Choose your Canada.

 
At 10:56 PM, Blogger Kim McKenzie said...

Very funny, all. I'm enjoying this immensely.

People own handguns in Canada.

Guns that were subject of a "ban" decades ago.

In Canada.

In our cities.

And they actually shoot them!

And these banned handgun owners have never shot anybody.

But they will still have their rights removed.

In Canada.

I'm not making this up.

 
At 12:03 AM, Blogger Jess said...

Paul Martin
Wants to ban space weapons.
Light sabers.
Laser beams on the moon.
Not in Canada.
Not even on this planet.
In space.
We did not make this up.
Choose your planet.
Vote Liberal.

 
At 1:35 AM, Blogger Patrick said...

I will submit my own modest contribution which I think was the first one quoted (http://tinyurl.com/brnca), and perhaps the first one posted.

If mine was the first, I have to acknowledge I passed the torch on to some very worthy successors. These are great!

Here's mine: http://tinyurl.com/e4kcy

 
At 2:07 AM, Blogger scott said...

Tony Valeri says this election was triggered unfairly and inproperly by a group of separatists and neo-cons.

He says he wants to hold another confidence motion in the spring which will overrule the decision made by the governor general last fall.

He says he has advised Paul Martin to increase military presence in our cities, as there is sure to be a backlash by the general public.

Another confidence motion.

Canadian cities.

Soldiers with guns.

In our cities.

In Canada.

We did not make this up.

 
At 9:40 AM, Blogger Laurent said...

Heard in the Liberal war room:

Somebody set up us the mole. On the way to destruction.

In all our bases.

In Canada.

We have no chance to survive make this up.

You know what you doing.

Choose your Canada.

For great justice.

http://www.polyscopique.com/blog/archives/000969.html

 
At 1:00 PM, Blogger ScottSA said...

Paul Martin wants to protect the Charter

S.33 is part of the Charter.

Martin has said he would use S.33.

Martin has said he wants to abolish S.33

In our Parliament.

We are not making this up.

Good luck choosing your Canada...

 
At 1:01 PM, Blogger ScottSA said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At 2:06 PM, Blogger Leonidas said...

There are criminals in our cities with handguns.

Criminals.

With handguns.

In our cities.

Canadian cities.

In Canada.

Paul Martin intends to make it illegal to own a handgun.

But really.

Who’s he kidding.

They’re criminals.

Criminals.

Who break the law.

Like Liberals.

We're not making this up.

On January 23,

Stand up to criminals.

Stand up for Canada.

Vote Conservative.

 
At 2:58 PM, Blogger PeterP said...


Video entry

"Uber-Negative"

 
At 3:21 PM, Blogger James said...

"[if] one of the participants physically threatens you then
I don't think that's appropriate" - Mike Duffy

Mike Duffy?

Intimidated...

Canadian Media.

Intimidated.

We're not making this up.

Stand up for change. Stand up for Canada. Vote Conservative.

 
At 5:24 PM, Blogger AlbertanFromBC said...

Paul Martin wants to ban space weapons

In space

Not just Canadian space

All space

Your space

My space

Everyones space

Osama Bin Laden is scared of space weapons

Is Osama behind this?

Paul Martin won't tell us

What is he hiding?

We're not making this up...

Choose your space

 
At 7:12 PM, Blogger Katrina said...

Paul Martin wants you to vote for the Liberal Party.

The polls show that Stephen Harper doesn’t seem to be scaring you enough.

Well then, think about this:

Ralph Klein.

(sound clip of him mumbling “Ralph Klein” over and over)

He’s here in Canada.

Now.

In Canada.

Even WE couldn’t make him up.

Choose your bogeyman.

 
At 3:29 PM, Blogger arrhh said...

Steven harper said hello to me.

Why?

I dont know Steven Harper.

How did he know i wasnt leaving?

And do you know what else?

He smiled when he said hello.

Why do you think he smiled?

Pretty odd to me that Steven Harper would smile and say hello to me,when he didnt know if i was leaving or coming.

Vote Liberal,we,ll find out why he was saying hello to you.

 
At 11:05 PM, Blogger Steve Michaud said...

Stephen Harper recently annouced he wants to give parents $1200 per year for every child under 6 years old.

Money to parents?

Canadian families?

They'll probably spend it on beer and popcorn.

In our families.

In Canada.

But isn't drinking beer a fundamental canadian value?

We don't know.

Nobody's saying.

Choose your Canada.

 

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