On a blog. In Canada. We're not making this up.
I've been wandering around the Canadian blogosphere reading Liberal ad spoofs and have come to the conclusion that this much mockery requires a permanent index. I'm hoping to eventually make a coffee-table book and get fabulously rich on it and retire with my family to a private island in the South Pacific. We'll have beer and popcorn on the beach every night...
But back to the merciless flaying of the Liberal limp-noodle attacks.
Just now at the Subway on Bank St. I was buying my lunch and there... in line... standing in front of me... was a soldier.
In our cities.
He seemed to be ordering the six-inch ham and turkey.
With chipotle sauce.
We're not making this stuff up.
Stephen Harper spoke to a secret, ultra right-wing American think tank.
The first rule of secret, ultra right-wing American think tanks is - you do not talk about secret, ultra right-wing American think tanks.
In a Montreal hotel, off-limits to press and public, he said:
Montreal? Hotel? Off-limits? I see where this is going: debauchery. Exotic dancers, poutine, Labatt 50…
"Your conservative movement is a light and an inspiration to people in this country and across the world."
Whaa!? That’s it? He gave a speech, and complimented his audience?
No, we did not make that up. We're not allowed to make stuff up.
Stephen Harper: Can you trust a man this boring to be Prime Minister?
My favourite line: "We're not allowed to make stuff up." Not only do the ads make stuff up quite freely...but the very claim that "we're not allowed to make stuff up" is itself made up.
David Janes (where you can make your own!):
Every time you vote Conservative, Stephen Harper kills a kitten. [ed: go see the graphic]
Plato's Stepchild at Andrew Coyne's place:
Stephen Harper drinks Merlot. With a lamb entree. In our cities. In Canada.
From the same comments thread:
STEPHEN HARPER WILL FORCE US TO GO TO TIM HORTONS.
AND ORDER A DOUBLE DOUBLE. WITH A CRULLER.
NOT FAIR TRADE.
NOT EVEN ORGANIC.
US. IN TORONTO. TIM HORTONS. A CRULLER..
LIKE. UGH. IN CANADA.
WE'RE NOT MAKING THIS UP.
CHOOSE YOUR COFFEE.
Whooops, we accidentally:
developed a story board,
wrote the piece,
produced the piece,
focused group it,
placed the Liberal brand on it,
put the piece on the web site,
delivered copies of it to news outlets for distribution,
and discovered the "accident" coincidentally after the public became outraged.
We're not making this up.
...and even a nice blogging inside-baseball slam:
Jason Cherniak is becoming disallusioned with the Liberals.
With the Liberals.
I'm not making this up.
Courtesy of the Liberal mole, I've received a draft of the province-by-province slogans the Liberal party plans to unveil this weekend:
Newfoundland: "Just like Danny Williams, Paul isn't very big on flying the Canadian flag either."
Nova Scotia: (I could not obtain a copy of this slogan since the original one has been rejected and will not be used. However, it may still make an appearance on the Liberal website early next week.)
PEI: "We are firmly committed to delivering...what? There are only four seats? Screw this."
New Brunswick: "A Harper defeat is the only way for you to get rid of Bernard Lord as your Premier."
Quebec: "You wouldn't even have the Bloc if it wasn't for Jean Lapierre; show the man some respect."
Ontario: "Stephen Harper! BOGETY BOGETY BOO!"
Manitoba: "Remember Louis..."
Saskatchewan: "Ralph Goodale: The Finance Minister of choice for 7 out of 10 income trust traders."
Alberta: "Bite Me!"
British Columbia: "Dude, we've promised to decriminalize pot for three years. Yeah, we haven't got around to it, but you know how hard it is to remember to do stuff."
Territories: "Yeah, our Kyoto plan is a joke. But can you honestly say you're against global warming?"
Finally, the biggest and baddest of them all, Damian Penny:
Stephen Harper has a dog.
You know who else had a dog?
Did Stephen Harper train his dog to attack racial minorities on command?
We don't know.
He's not saying.
Choose Your Canada.
If you find any more, let me know in comments or e-mail me at damian dot brooks at NO SPAM gmail dot com (you can't be too careful these days). I might even mention you in the book, in between sips of beer and handfuls of popcorn.
Eaten in the city.
A Canadian city.
I'm completely making this up.
Update: A contest! [ed: seems to be some confusion - it's not my contest, follow the link in "A contest!"]
Here’s the rules. You post your ad’s text in the comment area. It MUST be about Paul Martin, not Stephen Harper, and it must make me laugh. The two entries I judge the best (and you can attempt to sway the judge by giving your opinion in the comments) will be made into actual, funny as hell, why does my belly hurt so much from laughing videos that I will release on this site.
Contest ends Friday, so get the entries in now.
Uppitydate: Monte Solberg is too funny to have a numbers portfolio like Finance. Then again, is there a funny portfolio? And I'm not talking 'comedy of errors' stuff, like HRDC or Heritage. Anyone? Bueller? Finance it is, then. Stephen, have your people call my people and make it happen.
Where was I? Ah yes, the full Monte (heh, bet he hasn't heard that one before):
The Lib attack ads are so scary I'm going to have to sleep tonight with the light on. I mean what if Stephen Harper is hiding under my bed and then smothers me with a drycleaning bag and steals my remaining Burnt Almond to give to an ultra-conservative Bush Republican, who packs a pistol AND a Bible. No, even better, it's a Bible machine gun. Yep, fires two hundred rounds a minute, and plays Amazing Grace at the same time. Perfect for huntin' varmints, and personal protection.
Upyoursdate: Alan's is funny, but Anshu's comment is priceless.
Upwherewebelongdate: Welcome CBC online readers. My dream for nationwide dominance of the coffee-table-book publishing business continues. Bora Bora, here I come with a case of Keiths and a bucket of Orville Redenbacher.
Laurent (completement bilingue, asti):
The Liberals have released new ads. That Le Devoir called lying ads.
Everybody is making fun of them.
In our blogs.
We're not making this up.
Choose your Canada.
For great justice.
Stephen Harper has a sweet tooth.
He likes donuts.
Sometimes covered in sprinkles,
Sometimes jelly-filled or glazed.
Does he also order coffee?
In Canadian towns & cities?
From across your Canada?
We don't know.
On January 23rd, buy yourself a donut.
(they're fresher in the morning)
We don't know for sure.
The Liberal party launched the most vicious, largest set of personal attack ads in Canadian history.
They end the ads with "We aren't making this up."
Where did the heck did they get that from?
Dave Barry's catchphrase?
George Bush last week?
I'm not making this up.
Well, Don, actually you are. We all are. In fact...
Let's all keep making these up.
Just like the Liberals.
In their ads.
Choose to see through this crap.