This month's National Geographic brought surprising and unwelcome news to the Brooks household: Canadians don't drink enough beer. On a per capita basis, we're in the nineteenth slot in the world's pecking order. In fact, Canucks consume less than their counterparts in countries like Finland, Spain, and Portugal where beer is what you drink when there's no spirits, wine, or port to gulp back. We drink less than half the suds of your average Czech, the world leader. Heck, we're only three spots up from Russia, where rumour has it that if you ask for a beer, the barkeep will reply he hasn't heard of that brand of vodka.
Putting back the amber nectar is a matter of profound import, a patriotic imperative. I can accept running behind the Germans or the Brits, but I cannot abide finishing nine spots back of Venez-frickin'-uela. If we lose the beer wars, what's next? This is the first step down a treacherous path, at the end of which the Phillipines will be exporting their cheap jobs to us and Zambia will be kicking our heinie in international hockey.
None of that for me! I will personally do my part by quaffing a barley sandwich or three tonight when I get home. The munchkins will get beer on their cereal tomorrow morning. Best of all, I can get my beautiful wife tipsy with just a wave of the flag.
Do your part! Alan, to the barricades!